My father always said he hated a quitter.
Aug 09 '00
So,ya wanna quit smoking,eh?
Tired of your yellow finger nails,stinky breath,stained teeth and the escalating cost of cigarettes? Sick of smelly clothing,burn marks on your rug and overflowing ashtrays sitting on your coffee table? Can't stand the bellowing complaints and glares from non-smokers sitting at a non smoking table close to yours? The thought of smoking from a hole in your neck got you down? Well,brother i can help.Follow these ten steps to cigarette cessation and you'll be a quitter in no time!
Day 1:
Well,here you are day 1 of the rest of your non smoking life.No more woodsy,musky cigarettes after dinner,no more smoke rings after sex, and no more of that satisfying pack smacking in your palm as you firmly compact your butts into tight little chimneys.This might be the hardest day of your life,you smelly little addict you.So let's get started.First,throw away any emergency back up packs you might have hidden thru-out the house or apartment.Yeah,i know all your dirty little tricks,you fiend.You're only kidding yourself if you think you can have back ups for emergencies.Given the flames of addiction pangs and a life boat,we all jump feet first into the boat so toss those bad boys.
Day 2
Made it this far,eh? Well it's just gonna get tougher Rocky,so hang on.Right now you're probably hoping a smoking friend will come over and hang out,or a drinking pal will ask you out to the local pub...just so you can mooch off him.More dirty tricks.Time to get rid of the peripherals.Throw out all the ashtrays.I don't care if it's a limited edition Charlie's Angels gold rimmed collector's item.Toss it.It's like a heroin addict staring at a syringe.
Day 3
Time to break some bad association habits.Smoke after sex? Try sucking a lollipop.Oh yeah,you heard me.It's an incredible turn on for a guy to see his favorite gal in the mood for more things to suck on. Smoke after dinner? Put a jar of hard candy on the coffee table where the ashtray used to be.They may be empty calories,but you'll be a lot more kissable and it'll satisfy even the most hard core oral fixations.
Day 4
Almost hump day.Time for the rubber band around the wrist maneuver. Snap that rubber band every time you feel the urge to down a coffin nail.Right on one of your purple wrist veins.By the end of the day you'll be so conditioned by the snapping sound and if done right the pain,that everytime you think of a cigarette,you'll be Clockwork Oranged into the path of non smoking freedom.
Day 5
Hump day my friend.Halfway there.By now,your pulse rate is back to normal and you can smell thirty percent better.(Not you,your sense of smell...you're still stinky)Time to do the laundry.You don't want to even get a whiff of the chocolatey cigarette goodness you're so fond of.Wash it all,including the curtains.When you can smell better you can't have the aroma around you.Febreez it all,especially the couch.
Day 6
Over half way there now.Time to quit playing with that lighter you've been flicking.Toss it.If you use a Zippo here comes the hard part:Give that faithful companion one of two homes,the trash,or a smoking friend.Don't get preachy on your pal,if he wants to quit that's his business.Just hand over the lighter.I don't care if it's one of those survival lighters,with an underwater capable welding flame,a compass, and six feet of safety wire,do like the song says and Give it away,give it away,give it away now!!
Day 7
Ok,it's getting so close you can taste it...which should be back in force now.Time to test your resolve and go out for dinner.Find some hyper spicy Thai restaurant or some good Tex Mex. Bombard your recovering taste buds with everything it was missing.It'll be almost as good as your first orgasm.With out the frantic underwear search at two am or the walk of shame home.
Day 8
You are mighty.You weigh nine thousand pounds in zero gravity.You are Rocky and Apollo Creed is reeling.When you wake up in the morning you are not a slave to a life sucking cigarette hangover.You are Kunta Kinta and the chains are almost sawed thru.You are an oxygen hungry wolverine and you will not be stopped.Go for a short jog and get an oxygen high so profound you'll have visions.You won't realize it,but you are now capable of exerting thirty percent more force on any object you want moved out of your path.So,go.Exert your will on things.Lift,grunt and copulate harder and with more vigor.You've earned it.
Day 9
How does it feel baby?Life is fairly glowing now,colors are more vivid and food tastes great.Your sex life should have improved to the point of heathenistic Bacchanalia and your lungs are explosively powerful.You have a new found sense of self and freedom from the tobacco tyranny.All things are possible and more things are probable.You are Moses and you have led your corpuscles to the Red Sea.Tomorrow we party and you lead.
Day 10
This is it,graduation day.You've made it.From here on out,life is a frosting coated cake walk.You've quit smoking.You are mightier than ever.You are the Six Million Dollar Man. Have a Guinness or a glass of wine.How much money did you save?If you're like me,you've saved in ten days,SIXTY greenbacks.That's two packs a day at an average of three bucks a pack.Buy yourself something.Buy someone you love something.Hell,buy someone you hate something they'll hate.Make your car insurance payment early this month.Stuff a sock with the money you've saved and use it as a bizarre sex toy.You are dependant on nothing.You've exerted your will,and come out a winner.Gloat to your smoking friends.When they run cigarettes under their nose in a moronic taunt,laugh at them and say,"Christ,you smell like burning donkey anus."You've earned it.Go on now.Run free and make us proud...quitting will never feel this good again!
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Epinions.com ID:
Brogue999
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Location: Orlando,Florida
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