(A.O.) - more koala BEAR - all BARE
Written: Oct 08 '00
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Product Rating:
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Pros: humour, ease, simplicity
Cons: none
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| SMITHSWOODSIDE's Full Review: Australia |
Review Topic: Overview
Let me first say how gratifying was the response to part one. But, and I hate buts, we now have Americans eating toads (huge frogs), sleeping with snakes, sucking on dead Dingo’s dongers(dogs penis) and worst of all, drinking in dunnys(toilets)!
Your enthusiasm is great, folks, true it is but can we finish the lessons first - please, pretty please. Sufferin snakes, what next!
Now, it is clear we need to tie this all together, introduce just a few more to help with context and then, and only then she’ll be apples.
What was that,.......oh yeah, thanks for reminding me - readers will remember I pulled out of the recent Olympics because they wouldn't let me smoke during my main events, the swimming and running marathons. But there was some good news - the Prime Minister naturally heard of this and reckoned I didn't get a "fair go", about the most serious thing that can happen in Australia. Anyway, he rang me up and asked if I had tickets, and of course I didn't, so he pleaded with me to come with him to all the main events. What could I say, especially as he said I could smoke. If you taped any of it you can see me standing next to him - with cigarette in hand.
Anyway, I felt sorry for the P.M. because his mobile phone kept ringing so I offered to handle the calls for him. Hell was he grateful! ASIO* & ASIS** insisted I never tell who called, so I won't, but I'll give ya a clue. The first call was from a joker who lives in a big white house not all that far from you Yanky doodle Dandies. WillyC (fictitious name) pleaded with me to get the Aussi teams to back off because being an intelligent guy he new that per head of population a certain big country in North America was about a thousand medals behind. I said take it easy Bill, er WillyC, I reckon theyr'e doing O.K. for a mob full of Big Macs - he said thanks, he felt a lot better and that he might change the flag to include a Big Mac. Then I got this call from Yisser Avafart, fictitious name, but I told him to stop yelling, find your'e own bloody heights, you little Golan and call back when he could speak Aussi. He sounded pretty p..sed off.
Now how the hell did we get into all that....oh, that's right you asked!
Back to the issue at hand - this little matter of language. With the benefit of hindsight, I think I might have started out with some expressions that were a bit difficult to relate. Lets look at some that are super easy, and this time, as a sort of double bonus, I will put the meaning first so that you can print out the page, cover the answer and think first just what that answer would be - you will be astounded how often you get the same the result - after all it's all commonsense.
A quick example first, but don't look below.......eh, I said don't look below, no not you, now if I type "Something scarce".......think.........thinking...............thinking......
..Answer obviously - rocking horse sh..t
See, obviously the full phrase is "as scarce as rocking horse sh..t". Very good everyone - I am sure you got that one. Now remember to cover the answer on these;
Watch out pussies! - Hornier than a three balled tomcat
Don't con me - Don't p..s on my back and tell me it's rainin'!
Useless - About as useful as t.ts on a bull.
not all there - Give birth to a politician
busy - Flat out like a lizard drinking
Derogatory - May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.
can't organise anything - I'm going to give birth to your twin!
Insult - Ya bloody wombat
go for a look - I'll go and have a Captain Cook.
Get out of here - As welcome as a fart in a phone box.
Go to the toilet - Stroll to the gravy bowl.
The quiet type. - Wouldn't say sh.t if he had a mouthful.
busy - Busier than a bricklayer in Beirut.
Lazy - He wouldn't work in an iron lung
Be thankful for what you've got - Better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick.
absolutely no use - About as useful as a one-legged man in an a..se-kicking competition.
Always unlucky - If it was raining palaces, I'd get hit by a dunny(toilet) door.
Very hungry - I'm so hungry, I could eat the crotch out of a dead leper's undies.
Doesn't fit in - Sticks out like dog's balls.
strange place - Where the crows fly backwards.
useless - As useful as lips on a chicken.
not worth a damned - He's off like a bucket of prawns in the hot sun.
Not funny - As funny as a fa.t in an elevator.
Very well done - see, isn't it easy! For all those with a score of 100% or more your ticket to Australia is waiting at JFK International - just approach any airline ticket counter, and at the top of your voice, yell Aussi, Aussi, Aussi Oio, Oio, Oio. You will get a speedy reaction. Trust me!
If you didn't get 100%, don't worry - being very fair minded you too have a ticket waiting - same method of collection.
Now some, of course, are a little more difficult, and even require a knowledge of Australia. Warwick Farm is a well known location in Australia, so one such example is;
He's a bit whiffy under the Warwick's
Warwick short for Warwick Farm (Arm), meaning underarm odour
Please don't get the idea we use any more than one of these per sentence - and in fact they are not even used in every single sentence. Just spasmodically, and it's O.K. not to understand one occasionally - see we are a very flexible tribe!
In fact, you don't, of course, need to know any to be well accepted - it's guaranteed, just us the U.S.A. was for us on our visit, even though there were lots of little things we didn't understand.
Actually, Americana's do speak very fluently, I must say--I hate to say, but I must say. The hardest thing we found was to slow our speech right down, after being advised that that was our main problem in being understood. That was said to us by a barman in SanFrancisco, who was very used to Aussi's as apparently that hotel was well used by Aussi tourists. And he was right - every time a local yokel couldn't understand us we knew we had fallen back into our old habits, which are very hard to break. By late in our three week sojourn it was all pretty easy and when we got home many reckoned we had an American accent, or at least the beginnings of one.
So watch out, you could be talking like a machine gun if you stay here too long!
I guess the same idiosyncrasies apply in any English speaking country, but since I have vowed to return to the U.S. some day I am not likely to find out. I don't particularly like plums now, so imagine going to England where they have them firmly stuck in their mouths!
I don't know why, but there is nowhere other than the U.S. I want to go, and that's not a "suck".
Just my little weakness!
*Australian Security Intelligence Organisation
** Australian Security Intelligence Service
Recommended:
Yes
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SMITHSWOODSIDE
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Member: Peter Smith
Location: South Australia
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