The Sexual Politics of Gilligan's Island
Written: Sep 23 '00 (Updated Feb 22 '04)
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Product Rating:
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Pros: This program is the crowning achievement of artistic vision in any medium in any time.
Cons: There should be a 24-7 Gilligan's Island network.
The Bottom Line: .
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| Sordid-1's Full Review: TBS |
What can I say about Gilligan’s Island that hasn’t already been said? The premier artistic achievement of this century, Gilligan’s Island is an all-encompassing embodiment of the entire spectrum of human experience. A living testament to the triumph of the human spirit, it does not shy away from the meatier issues that so many of the shallow, juvenile television programs of this era were afraid to approach. It insightfully delves into the eternal struggle of man vs. nature, it strips away the layers of a society-imposed class system by showing how humankind can live and work together as one cohesive unit despite their divergent placement in the socio-economic spectrum, it proves that a society can function using a political system that borrows elements from both Marxist and anarchist philosophies, and, perhaps above all, it irrefutably demonstrates that coconuts and bamboo with all their various and sundry uses are the cornerstones of all technological achievement.
While Gilligan’s Island has provided the great philosophers of our time with an abundant food source for an intellectual feeding frenzy and has been the focal point of literally thousands of doctoral dissertations, one oft-overlooked aspect of this American masterpiece is its bold choice to never specifically reveal the explicit details of island sexuality. Sure, there was an abundance of allusions to possible matings and any of a number of displays of raw sexuality that spurred the age-old “Ginger or Maryanne? ” question, but it was always left to the viewer to piece together this libidinous jigsaw puzzle.
Although I lack the education and intellectual acuity to speak with authority, I will deign to interpret the genius that is Sherwood Schwartz and unravel the great mystery of the sexuality of Gilligan’s Island.
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WARNING: This is the point where the review nosedives headlong into the gutter. If you are disparaged by the open discussion of lurid subject matter and sexual deviancy, please “NR” and exit now. Consider yourself forewarned.
THE SETTING
Gilligan’s island was a lush, tropical paradise located somewhere near Hawaii in the south Pacific Ocean. The maritime ineptitude of the Skipper and Gilligan left the “castaways” (a group of clients for the Skipper’s chartered tours business) stranded on this beautiful isle… the perfect spawning ground for the shedding of inhibitions and proliferation of sexual experimentation. There was nothing to indicate that this diverse group of characters was celibate for either spiritual or physical reasons, thus this was the ideal setting for romantic intrigue.
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THE PLAYERS
I shall provide a brief biography of each of the castaways and assess them (using a 10 point scale) for various sexual attributes. I shall also conjecture upon what I think the likely pairings were for these saucy love muffins.
The Professor (Russell Johnson)
They’d die without him
Leaving fetid rotting flesh
Pay him some homage
SEXINESS: 5
There was certainly nothing subpar about the Professor’s physical appearance, but his personality and preponderance towards bookwormishness did not make him a player in the eyes of the ladies.
EXPERIENCE: 6
The Professor was a veritable storehouse for information, useful and otherwise. It is very likely that his quest for knowledge did not exclude that of the sexual arena. At the very least, he probably applied the scientific theory to sexual experiments on the feasibility of the teachings of the Kama Sutra.
ADVENTUROUSNESS: 6
The Professor was somewhat reserved and conservative, but would certainly be willing to engage in abnormal practices if he felt it would further the cause of science.
SKILL: 5
While he almost certainly understood the physiological aspects of the lovemaking process and the psychological aspects that this act had upon the human psyche, he probably did not allow himself enough time to garner proficiency in the actual act itself. The art of love is a bit like shooting pool… one can understand every aspect there is to know about the physics of the game, but if you don’t practice enough you ain’t gonna get it in the hole.
LIKELY PAIRINGS:
The Professor and the other island residents had a tenuous relationship at best. While they needed his vastly superior intellect to do any of a number of MacGyverish things with coconuts and bamboo, they also resented his superiority. He was essentially the host creature in a parasitic relationship.
The Professor was far too busy making radio batteries out of coconut juice and bamboo shoots to devote very much time to sexual escapades, but it was almost certain that he had Ginger on occasion. This was, after all, the right of any inhabitant of this island.
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Gilligan (Bob Denver)
Buffoon of the bunch
Botching potential rescues
Quite fond of monkeys
SEXINESS: 4
Naturally doofy, Gilligan’s bumbling demeanor and slack-jawed gaze did nothing but detract from his scant storehouse of sexual magnetism. His sole redeeming attribute was a remarkable resemblance to beatnick rebel Maynard G. Krebbs.
EXPERIENCE: 2
It is quite likely that if Gilligan had not been marooned, the entirety of his life’s sum of sexual experience would involve holding up Playboy magazines with one hand.
ADVENTUROUSNESS: 1
Creative thinking could not be characterized as Gilligan’s forte. Anything innovative Gilligan did in the sack was likely to be the result of a freakish accident.
SKILL: 1
If Shakespeare wrote about Gilligan, the prose would likely read, “Ineptitude, Gilligan be thy name.” Gilligan’s only skills were screwing things up for the other castaways and a particularly winning way with island fauna.
LIKELY PAIRINGS:
Gilligan was an albatross around the castaways’ respective necks. If they had any sense whatsoever, he would have been sacrificed to the cannibalistic headhunters at the very first opportunity. However, he was neither ostracized nor murdered in his sleep.
Everyone has a certain affinity for the village idiot, but not enough to sleep with him. Except for Ginger, that is. On an off-night, I picture Ginger sneaking into Gilligan’s hut for a 30 second session of wild hot affection before realizing how low she had sunk and then attempting to undertake the infamous coyote date exit.
Aside from the occasional Ginger pity pork I belive the only recipients of Gilligan’s wild monkey love were… well… wild monkeys.
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The Skipper (Alan Hale, Jr.)
Salty old sea dog
Swats Gilligan with his hat
Swats others with wang
SEXINESS: 5
A gross caricature of the ideal man, Skipper was able to enhance his standing on the Love-O-Meter through a winning smile and a crusty, yet affable, demeanor.
EXPERIENCE: 10
A subscriber to the “seduce and destroy” approach to sexual conquest, Skipper’s shore leave exploits are legendary.
ADVENTUROUSNESS: 10
Skipper’s voracious appetite for sex was only matched by his penchant for deviance. He was permanently banished by Bangkok authorities for lowering the moral standards of the city.
SKILL: 9
Whatever Skipper lacked in skill was more than compensated for by enthusiasm.
LIKELY PAIRINGS:
Anything that moved. Well, actually, that reflects his desires more than his actions. While Skipper was a sexual behemoth of epic proportion, he was also a gentleman and would not force the issue when his amorous advances were declined.
His most common partner in sybaritic activities was the scatterbrained, attention-starved Lovie Howell. While many may have viewed Mrs. Howell as asexual, I think she was just mostly needy. It should be quite obvious that Mr. Howell could not fill that need, so the Skipper was more than willing to tackle the role of backdoor man.
Speaking of backdoor man, I believe the Skipper’s other most common partner was Mr. Howell. That’s right, Jonas B. Grumby was the one who turned Gilligan’s Island into Gilligan’s Bi-land. Ever the practitioner of naval customs, the Skipper well understood the meaning of “any port in a storm”.
He also had frequent trysts with Ginger, of course.
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Thurston Howell III (Jim Backus)
Elitist blueblood
Loves money more than women
Is fond of seamen
SEXINESS: -5
His oddly-shaped head is adorned with strange-looking features and tops an unattractive torso. Probably had a hairy back, too.
EXPERIENCE: 2
Thurston probably coupled with his wife at least once. I believe they had a son, but it is possible that he was conceived by Lovie inadvertently wearing Mr. Howell’s underwear at some point. The remainder of his pre-island sexual experience was likely garnered in airport lavatories.
ADVENTUROUSNESS: 2
I’m sure Mr. Howell was neither responsive nor innovative in his sexual exploits.
SKILL: 1
This rating probably would be higher if Gilligan’s Island occurred in the post-Viagra era.
LIKELY PAIRINGS:
Noone likes a snob, and Mr. Howell was the prototypical upper-cusp prima donna. That, coupled with his impotence, made for slim sexual prospects. If not for the broad spectrum of the Skipper’s sexual tastes, Mr. Howell would have been loveless.
Oh yeah, Ginger tried to sleep with him, too, but found it not worth the energy expended.
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Lovie Howell (Natalie Schaefer)
Oft-neglected wife
Found love in a sailor’s arms
Squeals like a stuck pig
SEXINESS: 1
Lovie had a face that could sink a thousand ships. Sorry, but Mrs. Howell just doesn’t do it for me. Anyone who disagrees is a frightening individual, indeed.
EXPERIENCE: 2
Sheltered and pampered her entire life, Mrs. Howell did not experience the full array of the sexual spectrum. Until her path crossed that of a horndoggish sailor man, that is.
ADVENTUROUSNESS: 8
Once the floodgates of years of sexual repression were opened, copious amounts of wanton proclivities saw the light of day.
SKILL: 7
She was no spring chicken, but Mrs. Howell certainly gave it the old college try, by dingies.
LIKELY PAIRINGS:
Coupled with Mr. Howell in name only, the one and only object of Lovie’s affection was an irascible mariner. Oh, and Ginger, too. Once in awhile.
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Maryanne (Dawn Welles)
Virginal temptress
Her shorts riding up her crack
Good-time girl or tease?
SEXINESS: 10
Maryanne had that homecoming queenish wholesome goodness that women envied and men longed to corrupt. A prime instigator of Madonna complex fixations, Maryanne was simultaneously desirable and unapproachable. In the words of Steve Miller, “I really love your peaches, wanna shake your tree.”
EXPERIENCE: 1
She’s from Kansas, for crying out loud. ‘Nuff said.
ADVENTUROUSNESS: 1
Lousy with virginity, Maryanne didn’t take any of a number of opportunities to flex her sexual muscle. Once again, she IS from Kansas.
SKILL: 10
This, of course, is an inflated rating; however, Maryanne is one of those rare partners who is so exceedingly attractive that skill is a secondary factor negated by beauty.
LIKELY PAIRINGS:
There are many who want to project any of a number of deviant tendencies upon poor, innocent Maryanne. They are wrong for that. She is wholesome and good. These sick miscreants pointing an accusatory finger at chaste Maryanne are nothing more than perverse, disgusting degenerates, dregs on society, and misogynists.
That being said, Maryanne did carry on a lesbian affair with Ginger.
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Ginger (Tina Louise)
Tawdry and tactless
Island-slut, oh, island-slut
Syphillis for all!
SEXINESS: 10
Tall, leggy, and voluptuous, this breathtaking redhead’s beauty was so abundant that it was easy to overlook the fact that she was a gutter-slut.
EXPERIENCE: 10+
Her name could be found in the black book of every producer, director, actor, gaffer, and stagehand in Hollywood. Once marooned, her pickings were slim… but rest assured, they were picked.
ADVENTUROUSNESS: 10+
The only castaway known to frequently swing naked from the clothesline with a banana in her mouth, the sky was the limit for this Hollywood harlot.
SKILL: 10+
Practice makes perfect.
LIKELY PAIRINGS:
Ginger is the clear winner. Her conquests included every member of the island, sometimes three or four per day. Unrivaled in her lustful endeavors, she makes Marilyn Chambers look like Angela Lansbury. Hats off to Ginger!
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I certainly hope noone has been put off by either the frankness of this discussion or by any perceived misanalysis. An epic tale with the scope of a Gilligan’s Island invites such conjecture, as the social and psychological ramifications of this great masterpiece stand yet today and shall throughout the ages. I find it amazing that this meticulously crafted example of superlative workmanship seemingly ignores all aspects of the castaways’ sexuality, especially considering the incredible depth of character painstakingly layered into each and every island inhabitant. This depth stretches the boundaries of creativity almost beyond anything the human mind has the capacity to comprehend. I hope I’ve helped stretch it a little farther.
Gilligan’s Island can be viewed on TBS Superstation at 5:30 am EST Monday through Friday. On Saturday it can be viewed twice, BACK-TO-BACK, from 6:00 am to 7:00 am. THANK YOU, TED TURNER!
Recommended:
Yes
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