Pros: Well, it is the only turkey monster, pro-Jesus, anti-drug, X-rated horror movie.
Cons: The pro could also be a con.
The Bottom Line: It's a cheapie little film, about as well directed as the Iraqi War, but I've never seen another horror movie like it, and it's got its got its funny moments.
I am standing up right now and simply giving up by throwing my hands up into the air and coming to the conclusion that "Blood Freak" may very well be the worst movie that I've ever recommended. It's like some horrifying illness you had as a child that made you puke in the bathroom, but hey, it did get you out of school, and you were free to watch Looney Tunes all day long. The film is so stupid, so ignorant, so insulting to a gnat that has been dead hundreds of years, but at the same time, by god is it ever entertaining, and quite honestly I've never seen another movie like it. That, my friends, is why I'm recommending "Blood Freak."
The movie stars Steve Reeves, as we are told, not once, but twice by the opening credits. This former Hercules plays Herschell, and I'm not going to insult your intelligence by going into why the screenwriter decided to give him that first name. Herschell is a biker who meets up with a Bible thumping hottie who takes him to her sister's drug party, only after begging him not to do drugs. Yeah, I had the same conflict when my religious aunt took me to her drugs parties.
Well, Herschell doesn't exactly hook up with the Christian, but instead he starts an affair with the sister, who re-introduces him to the joys of narcotics, causing him to become addicted by a sleazy drug dealer named Guy. This next part needs to come as a warning to all those drug abusers out there. Never do your blow and then do a feast on some scientific turkey. I know, it sounds far fetched, but check out what happens to Herschell. He dines on some scientific turkey all right, and that's when the real fun of drugs starts to kick in.
He has a little spaz attack, causing him to pass out, but when he wakes up...the unthinkable happens. And I am really emphasizing on unthinkable. His head is now replaced by a giant…let me get this all out…um, turkey head and his speech pattern is that of "gobble, gobble, gobble," although he does mysteriously scream like a human in a few scenes. He wanders around people's backyards (probably the director's) wondering how that could have happened to him, and if it will affect his love life. Of course, he doesn't actually say those things, I'm just picking up what I can from the "gobble, gobble."
Revenge begins to set in when Herschell decides to do away with all the drug dealers and drug abusers in the area. So you see, we got "Chicken Run" with "Less Than Zero" stuffing! Good thing I have my elastic sweatpants on. Most of the drug dealers he hangs upside down and slits there throats, and one man has his leg cut off only because that actually found an actor with a prosthetic leg they could make up to look real. Well, it didn't really work too well. The budget of this film is so low that I guess they couldn't afford to show the blood spraying from the leg. All of the sudden, the blood is just there, right on the table, in one awful camera cut.
The torture scenes go on for quite a while, and mixed in with them are some truly bizarre scenes like when Herschell's love interest finds out about his new head. There's the horrifying reaction of course, but then if goes into some weird anti-Spaulding Gray monologue with the girl talking about how their kids are going to look very strange if they ever decide to have any. After a while you lose interest in her teary eyed monologue and just pay close attention to the "gobble, gobble" in the background.
As if that weren't enough (and that is a lot to have on a plate when we haven’t even had desert yet), the movie puts in a happy ending where you would least suspect to find one. It's like you're seeing a multiple car pile up, then all is well in the end when we pull out one survivor. The movie gets rather deeply religious as it goes into Herschell's redemption, making "Blood Freak" some weird propaganda film you'd see on TBN.
The film looks like a high school student trying to do a shot for shot remake of a Herschell Gordon Lewis flick, plus there's this truly odd narration by a coughing chain smoker who constantly looks over his lines which are right in front of him. I don't think I'll ever forget the scene where we can actually hear the director call out "action!"
Looking at it as a whole though, "Blood Freak" really is just a propaganda pic at its most bizarre, and that is honestly one the things that pressures me into giving this oddball late night bad movie party gem a positive review. The back of the box says it best when it claims that "Blood Freak" is the world's only turkey monster, anti-drug, pro-Jesus movie. They are right. And it's damn entertaining.
Religious propaganda is as dominant now as it ever was, but this is one of the weirdest attempts I've seen to lure people to Christianity. Trying to reach out to the people like me who cherish as much X-rated drive in horror flicks as I can is a little jaw-droppingly desperate. Kind of like that episode of "South Park" where the missionaries try to preach to the Marklars. It just seems as if it's an idea the screenwriters came up with after a long night of brainstorming, which leads one to think: Is "Blood Freak" to be taken seriously?
Well, it's a funny film, but it doesn't come across as intentionally funny, especially in its deeply religious monologues, so I am one to believe that it is a serious attempt to start a new sub-genre: holy-horror. Even though I'm not religious at all, I appreciate this movie, but I'm glad the sub-genre didn't catch on.
The only real thing to come out of this film is a scene that I will shamefully admit made me jump. The movie has this loud foley soundtrack that gets even louder during scenes of death and torture. The music doesn't have any real hooks, or a rhythm, or anything like that, but it just comes right out at you with this huge bang of a sound that reminded me of the ending credits to the chapters of "I, Claudius." The first time they used this loud bang music was during our first glance at Herschell's turkey head, which is on a super close-up while he’s staring right into the camera.
It scared the hell out of me.
But seriously, what the hell where these people thinking? What kind of scientific turkey where they on? It really does have to be seen to be believed, and I'm writing this review right now while laughing my plucked back end off. You people really do have to see this movie. That can be one of my excuses for giving the movie a positive review. It would be hypocritical of me to tell you to see it, but then give it a negative. I'm looking out for A #1.
Something Weird released this movie on DVD, so if your next question is if the disc contains any short films on turkey farming, then I think that answer goes without saying, given the history of Something Weird DVD's. Remember the short of meat cutting on the "Blood Feast" DVD? Aside from that we get a vast amount of trailers and other little extras. Every time I see a Something Weird DVD it just baffles me that so much love can be put into the DVD distribution of these B-films, that it seems weird that major companies put out classics like "A Clockwork Orange" on bare bones edition discs.
The people at Something Weird are geniuses. Other major companies could take some lessons from them.
"Blood Freak" is a bad film in the text book definition, but I advise all of you to go see this movie, because this film is a labor of love/vanity/propaganda film that can't be compared to anything else. It's the only sub-genre I can think of that actually began and died with the same film. It's not an insult to the taste of horror like "Cabin Fever," but I guess it is kind of insulting to the people who the filmmakers think will be changed by a movie called "Blood Freak." No matter. This is my new Thanksgiving movie. Think I'm going to watch football? I hate sports. I love Charlie Brown, but "The Charlie Brown Thanksgiving" wasn't too great compared to Halloween and Christman. No, I'm going to pull up the table and force everyone to watch "Blood Freak." It's got turkeys and religion and a whole lot of blood. Thanks, Something Weird.
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