Pros: Smooth read, good examples, clear advice, few questions left hanging.
Cons: I'd like to see long-term success stories demonstrated.
The Bottom Line: Build relationship with your willful child; prevent teen and early adult rebellion; save your child from delinquency out of boredom; engage him or her with unconditional love!
lisandrea's Full Review: Cynthia Ulrich Tobias - You Can't Make Me: But I C...
Reading James Dobson's "The New Strong-Willed Child" was not satisfying for me, as I outlined in my epinion nearly three years ago. I listened to accompanying radio broadcasts of Focus on the Family regarding this same topic, and was highly discouraged! The mothers in one panel discussion were brought to tears as they shared anecdotes of lifelong fights they had shared with their children, whom Dobson labeled many years ago as "strong-willed."
Since that review, in which I had determined my son to not fit into this categorization, I have changed my mind. It is as my mother pointed out--I have a high-maintenance child, to be sure. He is wildly creative, brilliant and quick, sharp and smart, tenacious, and, to top it off, precocious. He cannot be told what he cannot do, because he knows that he can do just about any and everything he puts his mind to! Laying down the rule of law doesn't work just because it is the rule of law, every rule must have purpose, everything must fit into a reasonable context. He is determined and resourceful--just like his mother.
I take issue with the term, "Strong-Willed Child," however, because as you talk about your child around your child, so you will shape your child, and I think there is too quick a response in a tough battle of wills to just label that moment as evidence of that ole Strong Willed Nature. If people refer to their children as "lazy" or "good-for-nothing," we might cringe and think, "How could someone talk about his child like that, right in front of him?" Then we pray for that child to find hope & strength in the love of God, since he will only feel like a disappointment to his critical parent. So, I have always raised hackles at hearing "strong-willed" used to describe my child. It feels like a curse. ("Ohhhhh. He's Strong-Willed? Well, that explains it!")
So, I love that the term isn't even in the title of Tobias' book, although she uses the expression throughout, due to the popularity and identity of those words in partnership, now. What I love about this book, however, is that Tobias highlights the beautiful features of these personality types as leaders, and creative survivors; as possessing strength of character, firm convictions, and confidence; as fearless, adventurous, high spirited, wild, and wonderful. SWCs can count themselves in good company with the likes of "Thomas Jefferson, Marie Curie, Albert Einstein, Joan of Arc, Thomas Edison and others."
I love this, from page 11: "I often remind parents of SWCs that their children may change the world--after all,it's not likely that the world is going to change them!"
She says, on page 17, "...if you are the parent of an SWC, you have been given the opportunity to love, nurture, and guide an individual who has great potential. Why not direct that wonderful and mysterious energy in the right channels, and use that marvelous determination to achieve positive results? True, you will be stretched and challenged beyond what you thought were your limits. But ultimately you can be rewarded with an SWC who loves God, who loves you, and who leaves your home with the ability to be a successful adult."
My son has been cut out of the very fabric from which I came. He knows what he wants when, and will figure out some way to achieve his goal, no matter what obstacle is in his way. For a parent trying to lay down the line, this can be hugely frustrating. When I discovered this helpful & hope-filled book I was over my eyeballs in frustration--my son and I were head-butting in nearly every conversation we had, and he is only four and a half years old! I would ask him to please pick up his cars and he would say he didn't feel like it; I would say I didn't ask how he felt about it, but he had better do it because his mother asked him to, and he would say, "No. Not now. Later." But, you know the drill, "later" never comes, so I continued along my line of direction, insisting that this was the time, and that later he'd find his cars in the garbage, upon which he say it was too much, then he would scream as if I were torturing him with shards of glass in his sides, and so it would go...He'd start to throw his cars in his bag as I tramped downstairs to get a trash bag--we'd be in a race to see who could stuff the fastest.
I hated these battles, hated the angry and resentful mother I was becoming, and knew the authoritative tone was completely ineffective with my son. Reasoning, it seemed, didn't make much sense either. I would explain to him that the reason we keep a clean room is so that his precious toys don't get stepped on and broken; that it demonstrates respect to the giver to take care of your gifts; that we are blessed to have all these wonderful things, and one way to show our gratefulness is to take good care of them...and that children in third world countries do not have toys at all, so it is about time he learns to appreciate all the wonderful treasures that surround him!! This line of escalating & all-the-more extreme rationalization appealed to his intelligence, but didn't move the cars any closer to their rightful places.
Cynthia Ulrich Tobias is, herself, a "strong-willed" (or "spirited") person, and she is the mother of one such child, as well. She uses example after example from her own childhood, and the life of her son, to illustrate what works for a SWC and what most certainly does not!
First, you must like your child, and love him (or her) without condition. Your child must always feel and know this, in order to have a stable foundation, within and upon which he can test all boundaries to find himself still and always at home with you.
Page 24: "If a person doesn't care about me, I don't care what he or she does to me." In other words, no amount of strict discipline will make a hair of difference if your child feels rejected by you. These capable children are insightful, and sensitive--we need to know where we belong, because we know we are different from others around us.
Page 25, "...if he or she has a strong and positive relationship with you, you'll be the first one your child turns to for advice on how to (get along with the world)"
I have lifelong spiritual scars & bruises from being a misunderstood SWC, so I devoured this book to create better relationships between my children and me. How can I appreciate their strengths, instead of focusing on the struggles? Tobias walks you through.
My very favorite part of this book, and the portion I quote the most often to tell others about why they ought to pick up this book for themselves, is actually a direct quotation she sites from Franklin Graham's autobiography, "Rebel With A Cause," in which he and his mother have a classic stand off. Ruth Graham discovered that Franklin was smoking, and sat him down with a pack of cigarettes, to watch as he inhaled one after the other. It is a lesson I am all too familiar with, as my parents once made my sister & me eat an entire cake after we sneaked a forbidden bite or two (it was, in fact, the top of their wedding cake!). Head-strong Franklin smokes and smokes until he vomits, then returns to show himself undefeated. He smokes more & more until he vomits, but will not be had. He takes on another stick and another, vomits again, but returns to the scene to prove himself strong; to prove himself independent. He is quoted, reflecting on the occasion where he smoked twenty cigarettes in one sitting, "It gave me great satisfaction not to give in...if there had been another pack of cigarettes, I probably would have smoked them, too!" Mmmm-hmmmm. I hear that. I recognize that voice. It is my own. It is my son's. It is, in fact, my sisters, and maybe even my dad. Oh, yes, this is all about proving oneself, and not being held back or held down. This is the voice of an advocate, amen? One who first advocates for himself throughout childhood, but later marches in parades to defend the defenseless, raises money to save the dying, and establishes world-changing organizations!
Ten chapters of easy-to-read text (a quick 164 pages) help parents understand how to work with, instead of against their tenacious children. But don't read too quickly! Take your time to highlight, reflect and evaluate your approaches with your child(ren). Are you backing him into a corner? Are you preventing him from making his own choices? Are you trusting him with his true capabilities, even helping him reach higher to attain seemingly-outstanding goals? Tobias gives examples of hard-handed parents who are regretful years later when they can see that their tactics always created the opposite effect they had hoped for, eventually leading to wayward, rebellious & resentful adult children. Tobias and Dobson are honest about this walk; parenting a child with this personality (many fit into a learning style Tobias discusses in her book "The Way They Learn" as "Concrete Random") can be torturous, with the wrong approach and attitude.
Page 41:
"Over the many years that I have been an SWC, have raised an SWC, and have worked with parents of SWCs, I have seen only one effective solution for rebuilding and recovering relationships that are so far gone: God, who created us in the first place, can restore love and renew the desire to keep our relationships strong and healthy. On our own, we humans simply don't have the resources to maintain the energy to deal with the daily challenges of loving and living with the SWC."
There it is: the reason to read this book. Cynthia speaks with authority, she gives it to you straight, shares helpful techniques and points to hope for all parents. There is not gnashing of teeth in this book, there is humor and joy for the journey. Whew. God, give me the strength I need every day to take on this task, and thank you for trusting me enough to do it! Wonderful, here I am, an SWC, thinking I can conquer the world and take on anything put before me...and I find the one thing that melts me into a puddle of self-pity and fear of failure is my own SWC nature looking at me through the eyes of my preschooler boy. Ahhhhhh. Yes, this, too, I can achieve!
One chapter I skimmed quickly address SWCs' troubles in school, more fully supporting my conviction to homeschool my son, although she does not address that as a solution.
Another is critical: how do we discipline an SWC? Unconditional love is critical, and there is a surprise in including the incredibly effective use of a very short magic word, "okay," to give your child an understanding that he does have a choice to obey you (page 90, "God doesn't force anyone to serve Him."). Page 102, "The okay?...doesn't mean, 'You don't have to do it.' It means, 'You can choose the consequences if you want to,' which leaves just enough control in the SWC's hands." Page 95, "Almost every SWC I've ever asked has told me their parents yelled at them--a lot...anger is usually the least effective way to change an SWC's attitudes or behavior."
The book also addressed when drastic measures are necessary to step in and save a child (more likely teen) from self-destruction, when to get outside help when an SWC's rebellion gets dangerous, and another on how to repair a very broken relationship (again, later in life after argument has been the main communication style for decades). Best point: read this while your children are young, and work hard on developing a trusting relationship with your natural-born-leader to avoid these frightening pitfalls.
So, in the case of our cars-on-the-floor argument, how might I handle that differently, since reading "You Can't Make Me: But I Can Be Persuaded"? The key word is "buy-in." Persuade with motivation & inspiration. On page 51, Cynthia Tobias says it's important to include an SWC "in the loop."
"For me, the important thing is that I'm helping you solve a problem, not just blindly obeying commands."
"What will it take to inspire me?" she poses, on page 55.
This does not involve letting your child rule your home. It is not bribery, nor becoming a wet dishrag in your child's hands. No, this is about building relationship that will last a lifetime.
"Logan, this room is pretty trashed! What happened in here?"
"Oh, Teagan dumped out all of the stuff in that drawer, and I couldn't walk through, so I had to kick it aside to get to the closet..."
"Well, we need to get this cleaned up before you can have that playdate with Delaney and William, and they are coming over in about thirty minutes, so let's get started. How about if I work on Teagan's mess, while you put away your cars, and then we can get the closet back in order once we can walk to it?"
"I don't feel like it right now."
"Well, OK, then, I guess I'll have to tell Delaney and William to come back another day, because you know that playdates are privileges for obeying our household rules..." (Parents: only use a "carrot" which you will follow through on! If he chooses this, I have to be prepared to make the call and cancel the playdate... Dobson talked about the importance of consistency & follow-through with children; an SWC is looking for reasons to respoect or not respect your leadership & authority over their own capabilities...).
Two results, lately:
"OK, Mommy. I'll play with them another day." (He understands the consequence and accepts it, so we leave the room a mess until the next thing I need to have done...he may not come to dinner until it is picked up, for example, or he loses his storytime at bedtime if it's still a mess by then. We will continue to eat away at the task until he is motivated enough, and he will lose more and more of my assistance the longer it drags on. These things are spelled out for him on a chart of family responsibilities, privileges and rewards for exceptional behavior).
OR (the result we've had around here more recently...):
"OK, Mommy. I'll pick up. Thank you for helping me! You're the best mom in the whole world!"
No, seriously, he did say that.
So, Godspeed to you in finding the same great relationship & results in your argumentative home as we are finding here! Pray for my endurance for the long haul!
[Book also includes helpful Notes section, and additional Recommended Resources, including discussion of SWC as often being misdiagnosed as ADHD]
It's easy to recognize a strong-willed child. Difficult to discipline, at times impossible to motivate, strong-willed children present unique, frustra...More at HotBookSale
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