Or more to the point... an abysmal Twilight.

Paltry

That's the one word I'd use to describe this film.  It was utterly worthless!

I realize that vampire movies are basically teenbopper wet dreams.  Boys, like the power & killing while girls love the romance, and I understand that they make up the majority of ticket / rental / merchandise sales, but an atrocity is an atrocity!

I never read the book, but I knew going into it that the film was going to be terrible. (Predominantly because I knew it was heavily geared for a younger generation).  Never-the-less, I held onto a slight glimmer of curiosity due to my enamoration of the horror genre; afterall... it was about vampires.

Yeah, it was about vampires like Teenwolf was about warewolves.

So let's get into the meat of things.

I'll start out with the good, so this will be brief.

1.  Your kids can watch it.  There's a little bit of kissing (very little) no nudity or anything overtly sexual, certainly nothing they're not exposed to anyway & the language is tame.

2.  There was one good line throughout the films entirety and here it is:

"We call ourselves vegetarians, by the way... For our kind, hunting animals is like living on tofu. It keeps you strong but isn't very satisfying."

Clever line, I wonder who wrote it... based on the rest of the script it doesn't fit in.

WHY NOT TO SEE IT:

Kristen Stewart:  Although she is a good actress, with a lengthy list of successful films in her short career including "Panic Room" and "Cold Creek Manor" it was difficult watching her in Twilight.  Nothing about her character (except her attractiveness) captivates you.  There's just nothing there... her love is passionless, her everyday motions are bland, and her delivery is stagnant.

Robert Pattinson was better than I expected him to be, though he's no Brad Pitt ie: Louie.  However, I quickly got tired of his 1/2 James Franco / Spiderman & 1/2 Zoolander ‘cold steel' look that he used in every scene he was in.

I have to say this much however... most actors can only do so much with what they are given, and in this case they were asked to make 24k gold out of a bunch of yellow crayons.

I realize that Twilight with a $37 Million dollar budget didn't have as much money to play around with as a lot of it's vampiric predecssors, but I think one of the things that makes a good director a good director is being able to accomplish amazing things from nothing.  Sam Raimi is a shining example of this if you've ever seen Evil Dead 1 or 2 (esp).  Instead Catherine Hardwicke the Director of twilight has done nothing but b*tch and gripe about the budget not being what she needed for this scene or that effect.  It's no wonder why she was fired from helming it's sequels.

The fact that Twilight made it's money back I think is more of a crime than the act of killing itself!  (Not that I condone such actions, remember we are still talking about vampires here).  To date Twilight has raked in over $200 million.  Astonishing... the power of the modern day teenager with an allowance.

By the way.... the starting hourly pay for make-up artists for a feature film production is $37.04 (with 10-hour guaranteed workday).

This is a fact.

I'm no professional makeup artist, but I do have plenty of  theatrical makeup at home.  I'll gladly do a sh*tty make up job on your film for $370/day!

Someone want to explain to me why vampires, nocturnal creatures by all accounts, pale by nature have malibu tanned necks?  Living in Alaska and then the Pacific Northwest no less!  Am I missing an important vampire fact here somewhere?

There are too many plot holes to write them all out, and you can just about throw away every nugget of vampiric information you've ever learned in previous books / films because with the exception of their lure, and drinking blood... none of them really seem to apply here.

They do convienently talk about warewolves though.. how cliché'... Underworld anyone???

As I eluded to earlier, the script is pedestrian and simple minded, perhaps because it was written with a 12 year girl in mind, or maybe a 12 year old girl scripted the book, I'm not sure, but it's trite dialogue and shallow storyline led to a painfully obtuse romance between the two main characters.

There was no on screen chemistry whatsoever (which, coicidentally coincides with the script in a round a bout sort of way).  Edward, the male vampire lead says to his female counterpart:

"Everything about me invites you in - my voice, my face, even my smell. As if I need any of that!"

He's talking about the vampires ‘lure' and that all women essentially lust after him.  This fact dates back throughout all vampire legends, but Kristen's character "Bella" an homage to Lugosi I wonder, I hope!  Says that she is completely in love with him.  Well, duh!  Of course she is... all women are!  The only reason that the story revolves around her is because Edward chose her over other women, but that doesn't make her love for him any more real.  Just his love for her.  Only a vampire could make a 1-sided relationship a success.

I'm proud to say that I waited to watch this film until my local library carried it so I could take it home for free.  I would've broke down in tears had I spent the money to rent it or get it on demand.

There will always be an audience for dreck like this, but look into the budgets of some of your favorite films, and I'm not just talking Titanic or Harry Potter and you'll be amazed at what can be accomplished (and done well) for so much less.  I went into this expecting something bad... imagine my surprise when it turned out to be much worse than even I predicted.

The bottom line here is that it's schlock film making from A-Z and a real pathetic attempt at a love story.

I would feel bad for Stephanie Meyer (original author) but I'm sure she was handsomely rewarded $$$.

For a better example I suggest you watch "Interview With a Vampire"  On all acounts it's a much better film by leaps and bounds.

Recommended:
No

Viewing Format: DVD
Video Occasion: None of the Above
Suitability For Children: Suitable for Children Age 13 and Older