gracef's Full Review: Albert J. Bernstein - Emotional Vampires: Dealing ...
I met my first vampire when I was still quite young. She was beautiful, the kind of person that everyone noticed when she walked into the room. People were immediately attracted by her intelligence and charm. I wanted her to love me, to feel that I was as special to her as she was to me, even if it meant sacrificing everything that I was. Eventually, I realized the awful truth, but not until she left me devastated and mourning the loss of something I never really had in the first place.
Unfortunately, she wasn't the last vampire I met. Since then, there have been many others. While each encounter cost me something dear, I also gained experience. Now I can spot them from a mile away, long before anyone else does. Sadly, I haven't learned the secret to keep them totally at bay.
I'm not talking about real vampires, of course. Lestat, Dracula, and Barnabas Collins may all be scary, but they're nowhere nearly as terrifying as emotional vampires, those individuals who manipulate people and situations for personal benefit and who suck the life out of anyone who sits still long enough for them to do it.
After recent encounters with some emotional vampires that have left me acting a little crazy myself, I decided to read Albert J. Bernstein, Ph.D.'s Emotional Vampires: Dealing with People Who Drain You Dry. Maybe Dr. Bernstein would tell me how to protect myself against these leeches.
The book
Dr. Bernstein is a psychologist and business consultant with over thirty years of experience. He's made a career out of studying difficult people and of telling others how to deal with them, especially in the workplace.
In the first section of the book, Bernstein gives a general overview of what it means to be an emotional vampires and how others can spot them. First, he explains that emotional vampires are people with personality disorders.
When people are driving themselves crazy, they have a neuroses or psychoses. When they drive other people crazy, they have personality disorders.
He also explains that personality disorders can be assessed on a spectrum. Some people have symptoms severe enough to require hospitalization or other professional help. Others have symptoms that are only apparent when the person is under stress or bored. Emotional vampires lack maturity. Rather than learning from their mistakes, they blame their mistakes on others. Thus, they are doomed to repeat them. They fail to see that occasionally reciprocity is needed and sometimes not deserved and that sometimes the answer really is "no".
The most valuable chapters in Emotional Vampires are chapters 3 and 4, especially for people who have never seen emotional vampires at work. "The Way of Vampires" shows why emotional vampires should be avoided at all costs. "Dark Powers" explains how emotional vampires trick others into believing what they want others to believe.
Types of Vampires
In the following sections, Bernstein divides emotional vampires into distinct groups, devoting a chapter for the group and a chapter each for the distinct types within the group.
Antisocial Vampires are actually very social and, at the same time, loners. People very often notice them (not always for good reason), but because of commitment issues, they are oftentimes alone (or at least feel that way). Antisocial vampires are broken down into Vampire Daredevils (who never seem to admit that there is such a thing as "too much fun"), Used Care Salesmen (who always seem to say exactly what you want to hear), and Bullies.
Histrionic Vampires live for attention and approval, and if you don't give it willingly, they will scream bloody murder so that the rest of the world gives it to them. Vampire Hams make up for the lack of talent and truly remarkable skills by putting on a show for the rest of the world. Passive-Aggressive Vampires go out of their way to appear to be helping while all the while pushing their own agenda.
Narcissistic Vampires believe that everything is about them, and if it isn't, it should be. Narcissistic legends are legends in their own minds. These unproductive geniuses believe that their talent is so obvious that they should not have to prove it. Vampire Superstars are the over-achievers of the lot. They are never happy with what they have; they always think that a little bit more work will lead to something more.
Obsessive-Compulsive Vampires abhor chaos. Anything that is out of order must be fixed. Perfectionists expect everything to be "exactly right", and, of course, only the perfectionist knows what "exactly right" means. Nothing is ever good enough for the perfectionist. Puritans believe that good deeds should be rewarded and bad deeds should not go unpunished. They believe that those who follow the rules should be rewarded and are frustrated and uncontrollably angry when it doesn't work that way. They have no concept of picking battles or how things play out in the bigger picture.
Paranoid Vampires see patterns in everything. Nothing ever happens by chance. People who do not see the same patterns are obviously ignoring the problem or the cause of the problem. Paranoid Vampires are relentless in getting others to buy into their ideas. Visionaries oftentimes have really elaborate ideas that only they can understand. Some of them are good, but most are just nutty. Green-Eyed Monsters are motivated by the idea that everyone is jealous of them and/or wants what they have. They frequently test the limits of loyalty and friendship, even going so far as to demand knowledge of things that are not their business.
The "groups" chapters are all laid out using a similar format. After explaining what the group is about, Bernstein gives a brief description of what it's like to be that type of vampire. Then he provides a twenty question test to see if you (or the person who has been sucking you dry) is a vampire of that type. Then he explains what the test is measuring.
The "type" chapter typically starts with a little vignette (mostly in a business context) of a vampire of that type in action. Bernstein then explains what vampire characteristics were exhibited and generally how the vampires manage to hypnotize the innocent victims. Then he provides "The 10 Elements of Vampire Fighting Strategy" for that type. The general approach is:
1. Know them, know their history, and know your goal
2. Get outside verification
3. Do what they don't
4. Pay attention to actions, not words
5. Identify hypnotic strategy
6. Pick your battles
7. Let contingencies do the work
8. Choose your words as carefully as you choose your battles
9. Ignore tantrums
10. Know your limits
Though Bernstein repeatedly points out that emotional vampires are almost always a combination of types (sometimes from different groups), he feels that recognizing the distinct types helps to determine what to do to avoid suffering from the suckers. The book's layout makes it easy to skim through the information to just read about the types that interest you most and how to deal with them. Though, given the humorous writing, I'd highly suggest reading the whole thing.
Personal observations
As I was reading through Emotional Vampires, I couldn't help thinking about the people in my life. It was like a private game of "match the vampire personality"! It also made me think about my own personality and emotional vampire tendencies.
What's that? Did I just admit to being an emotional vampire myself?
Well, yes. Guilty as charged! I'm more of the "Obsessive-Compulsive" type. I've always been a perfectionist. I'm a bit of a narcissists (according to Bernstein, all leaders need to be), and I get paranoid when people are sucking me dry. My skin crawls when I see a sleaze ball rewarded while a really nice guy goes home empty-handed. I admit that sometimes I don't control my tendencies as well as I could. But I've tried very hard to learn to control them. When I first started participating in on-line sites, it was almost the death of me. I was constantly banging heads with antisocial types. Since then, I've learned to control my tendencies more. I learned to avoid some people and circumstances that make me go overboard. When I couldn't do that, I did many of the things that Bernstein suggests. I'm a huge fans of numbers 7 and 8. I still struggle sometimes, but I'm better off than I was! (Don't tell me to lighten up! This is my "light" version!)
According to Bernstein, the fact that I see my tendencies for what they are (and am consciously working on them) is a good thing. Bernstein claims that almost everyone has emotional vampire tendencies. The only hopeless cases are those who can't recognize the tendencies in themselves and refuse to admit that they're there. Only the emotionally immature insist on blaming their shortcomings completely on others.
Still, because of my tendencies and my background, I disagree with some of Bernstein's advice. Take, for instance, his advice on dealing with Passive-Aggressive vampires. He says:
Forget any attempt to make Passive-Aggressive vampires admit to what they really feel. It'll only make your headache worse.
While I'll give him points for the last part and see the logic in the first part, I don't see that as being completely practical. From my experience, Passive-Aggressive types almost always do their business in public. If you don't refute it publicly, then others may accept the crap they're dishing out as gospel. Bernstein also advises lots of positive feedback for passive-aggressives, but my experience again shows me that this is ineffective. If anything, it just reinforces the passive-aggressive's alternate reality.
Of course, passive-aggressives are the one vampire type with which I have the most difficulties, so take my disagreement for what it's worth!
Conclusion
I highly recommend Emotional Vampires: Dealing with People Who Drain You Dry. If you are one of those people who accepts others at face value, especially if you have been subsequently drained because of it, you need to read this. If you are frequently frustrated by the mixed signals that others send, you will benefit from being able to classify their actions into something that does make sense. If you have been told that you exhibit vampire tendencies, you really, really need to read this book and be honest in your self-evaluation. Even though I already understood emotional vampires fairly well, I really enjoyed the light-hearted and approachable writing and still learned a few things that just might help me in the future.
My only regret about this book came from my eleven year old, who is dealing with something of an emotional vampire herself. Upon reading the description on the back cover, my daughter said, "Mom, may I read this book?" Sadly, I had to say "no". The book contains quite a few sexual references that I don't think are quite appropriate for her yet. It's too bad. I wish I knew everything in Emotional Vampires when I was her age!
Bernstein provides a field guide to the various types of Emotional Vampires and advises readers how to protect themselves from being victims of these ...More at Buy.com Marketplaces
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