Captain Disaster Episode 5 - A Newish Hope
Oct 30 '03 (Updated Oct 20 '07)
The Bottom Line Star Wars gets mercilessly ripped off in true CD style...
Captain Disaster
Episode 5
A Newish Hope
The planet Galgatron was under attack. This passed unnoticed by the majority of the universe, as it was in a little known corner of the Andromeda galaxy, of which little was known anyway. But it just so happened that our gallant, smooth, suave, sophisticated (just why is it that those two words are so inseparable?), handsome, lonesome, dove-like hero, Captain Disaster no less, was there at the time.
"SOS! SOS!"
"What's that, ZB? I thought that SOS calls were generally reserved for emergencies of the gravest proportions?"
"They are. I'll patch you through to whoever it is calling."
Captain Disaster (from now on in this story he'll be known as CD) listened intently. He was a bit annoyed though, if the truth were told. Just before the test match started between Earth and Mars, some rotten distress call! The Earth side were, of course, expected to lose badly. The selectors had been rowing
again. The Earth captain had been banned for calling the selectors a bunch of... well, a very naughty word. The former earth captain had been the popular choice for a place on the group of selectors. Some hope. Someone else went for the job,
with the full backing of his club, who then decided they wanted him to keep his job with them. Earth's administration had done an incredible job of messing up the ticket allocations. Not only that, but all of the old, nearly retired players from the other Sol planets were going to play in Earth's top league, reputedly the finest in the cosmos. As if. That was why none of the Earth teams got anywhere in the sol championships, I suppose.
Anyway, having gone through practically every recent scandal in the recent history of Earth's zero-G basketball team, we'll get back to the plot.
(There's a plot? That's news to me - the writer).
Hm. Anyway, we all want to know what the SOS was about, don't we?
Yes we do.
No, really.
"We're under attack from the evil Dark Maiden", wailed the voice of a Galgetronian. "She's got a new weapon, the Dead Guitar, which she's going to play with disastrous consequences for us all if you can't help us!"
"Oh. Anything else?", replied CD, sure that he'd heard this all before.
"Yes. The Dark Maiden just happens to have been corrupted from a good Judo Kite, who just happens to be the father of a trainee Judo Kite who was supposed to save us, but he forgot his lines and had to be taken away. Ubi-Two Kanubi happens to have died fighting the Dark Maiden, and not only that but the Torso is not with us any more!"
"The Torso? Not the Torso?!"
"Yes, indeed, the Torso of Inspector Semaphore!"
"This is grievous news indeed. What must I do?"
"Kill the Dark Maiden!"
CD thought about this before shaking his head. "No, I cannot do that, for how is there to be six sequels if all the main characters are dead?"
"Oh don't worry about that. This isn't even the beginning really. There's two instalments before this one even. Or maybe three. I don't know when they're going to turn up. But will you help us?"
"Well..."
"Help us Captaino Disastero, you're our only hope."
"Don't you think you're being a bit over-dramatic?"
"Well, dear, I've got to win my Oscar somehow or I may just as well spend the rest of my life writing novels in the bath, mightn't I?"
"Hm, I suppose so. Where's the ruthless, handsome, debonair mercenary that's meant to help you then? Didn't he turn up or something? Weren't you offering him enough money?"
"Captain Disaster, you are he!"
"In that case, how come I don't get a funny big furry thing? He got one. It's not fair."
"We're wasting time." The voice faded for a moment, as if she were trying to think of something to say.
"I just want you to know, good luck. We're all counting on you."
"ZB, have you ever had a feeling of deja-vu?"
"Didn't you just say that?"
Finding the Dark Maiden was easy. CD just followed his nose. It wasn't a clever thing to do, and it didn't take any special skill or ability. He couldn't help it really, his nose just had a death grip on the front of his face.
He confronted the evil monstrosity. "Dark Maiden, prepare to meet your doom! Actually, you look a lot like my mother, but we won't go into that right now. Die!"
With that he took out his Dark Maiden DestroyerTM and destroyed her. "Oh, that was easy!", he thought, and then went on to try and prove that black was white. Perhaps it is fortunate that he was too thick to manage that, as there were
zebra crossings aplenty (although, strangely, no zebras) on Galgatron as he walked around it as the guest of honour shortly afterwards.
Then he saw the princess he had talked to on the distress channel (damn communications company charged him premium rates for tuning into that). She looked like... well, imagine if you can a cross between an African elephant and a duck-billed platypus in drag. Perhaps it is understandable, then, that CD made a heroic run for it.
He reached the ship, jumped in through the closed door, and said in a commanding, yet thoughtful; hostile, yet pleasant tone, "Get us out of here ZB!"
"OK, boss. On one condition."
"WHAT!?!?!"
"That you let me choose the destination."
"What?! OK, sure, choose any destination you like. I promise I won't complain. Honest."
"OK, we're outta here!", said Zero-Bit. No more than five hours later, they were off the ground.
"OK, so where exactly do you want to go, silicon brains?"
"Right there, organic dog-meat."
"There? Where's there?" Captain Disaster was beginning to get hysterical. Not that anyone would have noticed the difference.
"Where I'm pointing."
"But you haven't got any fingers to point with!"
"So are you discriminating against me because of that? I could sue you for that, you know."
"Look, I'll just shut up now, and you can go wherever you want."
"Honest Indians?"
"Honest Indians. What have Indians got to do with it, anyway? Are you saying that an honest Englishman isn't good enough for you?!"
Unfortunately, Zero-Bit's navigation wasn't so good. He drove straight into a black hole.
Is this the end?
Will our hero ever gauge himself on peanut butter and Acturan Megaprawn again?
We will find out in the next exciting issue in which our heroes escape from the immense, almost infinite gravetic pull of the black hole, go to Acturus and visit a peanut butter factory which also breeds Megaprawn for eating.
Damn, I've given the game away just a little bit there, haven't I? And after I'd so skilfully built up the tension and anticipation, too. Oh well, the story’s posted now, and it matters little to me how many episodes you actually deign to read, thus honouring the memory of the 4,198th greatest science-fiction writer of all time. (Me.)
So there.
(As the State Governor of California would say, “I’ll be back”. Episode 6 to come sometime soon, unless my internet connection fails…)
This episode was of course spoofing Satr Wars: A New Hope rather appalling. I don't think it should be allowed... but since I know me, I'll allow it...
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Other Fiction from the 4,198th greatest science-fiction writer of all time…
Captain Disaster Series
Episode One – The Planet Eater of Acturus
Epsiode Two – A Beta Burger
Episode Three - Wormhole
Episode Four - Mercenaries
Serious Sci-fi
Alone
Surreal Humour
Tradition Break
Tales of the Insect World
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Read my review of
Red Dwarf Series 1-4
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