Tales of the Insect World
Sep 17 '03
The Bottom Line What insects get up to when you're not looking... (which is most of the time...)
Tales of the Insect World
PART ONE
"So there I was, innocently sucking blood out of an
adolescent girl's follicle-ridden scalp, happy as a sand-louse, when suddenly this big thing comes, picks me up, none too gently at that, and puts me in a jar with you lot."
The other head-lice looked at her sadly. It was bad enough
being stuck in this jar by a demented nurse who wanted to conduct some weird experiment on them, but there was something even worse than that about the whole thing. (Besides the author using ridiculously long sentences at the start of the tale, that is.)
Yes, something far worse.
"Why are you all looking at me like that? I haven't done anything wrong. I was plucked from my nice homely life, and
deposited in this death-hole. You could at least try to ake me feel welcome."
The head louse (geddit? - Or was that the "lousy head"?)answered coldly.
"We have nothing against you personally, but we do have one
severe problem with you."
"What?" The poor little louse looked lost.
"You, my dear, are a female. And since we've been here for
a while, we're desperately in need of a male."
This shocking revelation revelated (sic) shockingly to the
newcomer. She (it?) then looked a bit sheepish (not an easy feat for a louse) and sat down in the corner looking dejected.
The smallest louse jumped about a bit. Everyone everylouse?) regarded her strangely, and then strangely regarded her.
"What are you so happy about?" asked a head louse. (As
opposed to the head louse. Understand now??)
"Well", she piped up, "we really ought to think about what
we want to call ourselves, and what career we want to follow."
Astonishingly, everyone instantly agreed.
Various names were thought of, including "Louise" (which
would have made it very cheap to update their stationary), but in the end the five names decided upon were:
"Ginger" (Head louse)
"Baby" (Smallest and youngest louse)
"Scary" (Ugliest louse)
"Posh" (Very un-posh, but posh compared to the others)
"Sporty" (Had played snooker once)
Together, they became "THE LICE GIRLS"!
Due to copyright laws, the author will probably be put to
death for the above but he doesn't really care because it's all done in good faith.
(???????????????????)
PART TWO
Of course, a career had to be decided upon.
"What can you do?" asked Ginger. "Can you dance, sing or
speak articulately and intelligently?"
"No."
"No."
"No."
"No."
"Okay, that's settled then. We'll be a pop group!"
"Whoever heard of insects forming a successful pop group?"
"What about the Beetles?"
"Actually, I knew Ringo while he was still rolling dung
about."
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
(Etc etc...)
Fortunately, this story has a happy ending. Before they could embark on their pop career, the all died of starvation, to the sound of the nurse cackling herself to suffocation in the grip of premature senile dementia.
**WARNING**
Parental Guidance - some youngsters may find certain scenes
of this story distressing. Oh, rats, that was meant to go at the start of the story wasn't it?
(All symptoms of hypertension in both children and adults
after reading this story should be ignored and put down to an overindulgence of caffeine.)
(So that the other staff don't feel unduly left out, I would
like to point out that the admin. and reception staff at this particular medical centre where the above actually occurred are completely unhinged and salivate quite a lot as well.)
[BASED ON A TRUE STORY]
(Believe it or not, it's true.)
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