Captain Disaster Episode One
Aug 22 '03 (Updated Feb 21 '06)
The Bottom Line Er... the bottom line is, no-one's buying my ebooks so I'm giving you the stories for free!!!! Please leave a comment if you liked it. Thanks, Dave.
Well, since I wasn't selling any of my ebooks, I thought it would be nice to mark my 50th submission to epinions by utting my science fiction comedy series here for free. It's a silly, parodic series that doesn't take itself very seriously but has proved rather popular with those who have actually seen it, and became something of a cult in a UK small press magazine called Visions some time ago (published 1996-1998), where the first 8 episodes appeared. That magazine has since folded, but the series has so far continued to episode 11 - getting longer, more sophisticated, and I think funny along the way. There's no saying where it will all end. Hopefully with a proper publisher and a TV series... Well I can hope, can't I?!??!
Well that's enough waffle. Here's episode one. If you like it and would like me to post the others over the next few weeks please leave a comment - I promise to read every one of them!
Dave.
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Captain Disaster.
Episode One.
The Planet Eater of Acturus.
"Why can't life ever be easy?", mused Captain Disaster.
Now, it shouldn't immediately be assumed that just because Captain Disaster was stupid that this was the only cause of his problems. That was only the start. He was also clumsy, ill-mannered, lazy, and a bit weird. To say the least. And he had perpetual acne and dandruff, which made sure he never had a social life.
His ship, if you could call that heap of scrap metal a ship, was called 'Disaster Area'. It was a particularly appropriate name, as it happened. All along the hull, there were dents to mark the areas where numerous collisions had taken place with other ships, meteors, flying fish and even small moons. Not to mention the blackened areas that commemorated various laser blasts at his ship. He had a name for each one of them, and had even begun talking to some of them. They were like old friends. One was called "Enterprise". That one came from a security ship in a film set he'd inadvertently wandered into. The largest burn mark of all was called 'Mummy', because it was from the time his mum had tried to shoot him down in flames for leaving the gas on at home while he nipped down to the local shopping centre, five light years away on Ross 154.
She always did overreact, he thought fondly. And she'd looked quite surprised when he blasted her into oblivion. He’d set up the last few seconds video capture from her comms channel as his screensaver.
"Acturus-1 calling Disaster Area", came over a message on his dead trendy headphones.
"Receiving you loud and clear, Acturus-1", he said, in his best macho voice.
"Sorry about that. We had a slight problem with the hydraulic lock-pumps. I'm afraid we took the whole bottom section of your ship off."
"Yes. I know." Disaster tried to sound cross, but he didn't really mind as he could now claim off the insurance. He'd been meaning to get a new set of wheels anyway, but he just hadn't got round to it yet.
Maybe he could get a set that would actually turn now.
He was just about to land, when he noticed that something was amiss. It took him half an hour to work out what it was, but in a flash he realised. The planet was no longer there!
Disaster checked all of his instruments very carefully, courtesy of 'Very Careful Instrument Checking Systems PLC', and then blinked a couple of times. But no, the planet didn't come back. It was gone, as surely as the credibility of a cabinet minister who accepts invitations to tea from a Womble on Wimbledon Common at 2 in the morning, and then resigns because he's done nothing wrong.
The brave Captain pondered over the vanishing world for some time. The only other occurrence of a whole planet disappearing was Pluto in 2017. That was because some fool had stockpiled five and a half million gigatons of nuclear explosives there, to
commemorate Chelsea FC actually fielding an English player in their side, and accidentally set them all off at the same time with an unfortunately timed sneeze.
"I would have noticed if a planet had blown up in front of me, wouldn't I?", he asked the ship's computer.
"Dunno. I suppose so. Even you, I think, would find it hard to miss an explosion of that scale, which measured a squillion in the Richter Scale. Unless you where asleep at the time, of course. Then it would take something significantly louder to wake you. Like the sound of all the lavatories in the galaxy being flushed at precisely the same time. Which only ever happens, as you know, when there's a Royal Wedding or a showing
of the Spice Girls in concert."
That was the ship's computer, that was. The ship's computer that had the unfortunate name of 'Zero-bit'. This name was chosen to try to overcome the problem of Captain Disaster's inferiority complex. It didn't work, as Zero-Bit had an IQ of significantly more than Captaino Disastero. Well, that is to say he had an IQ. Which is more or less the same thing.
"Yeah, alright Zero-bit. So, instead of making smart remarks, why don't you tell me what you noticed? What happened to the planet?"
"Well, I should say that, in all probability, it vanished."
"Howwherewhywhat?", gasped the Captain, without taking a breath or even breathing.
"It was probably de-materialized by an evil potent alien force into complete nothingness for the purpose of making an intergalactic causeway or something and what do you mean, what?", replied Zero-bit.
"Quick, search all known theories as to why this may have happened!"
"But those are all the known theories, you anomaly of the space-time continuum!", retorted the impertinent computer impertinently. But then, suddenly, and completely out of character, ZB stopped insulting CD and said something that was rather useful.
"No, wait! There is a reference... Something in Altairian mythology talks about a monster that eats planets, and is said to have never been quelled or subdued. It is conceivable that this legend is true, given current events", he/it amended.
"Actually, I think that there's a lot of truth in these old legends", said Captain Disaster by way of a startling revelation.
"Actually, I think that there's A LOT of truth on these old legends", said the Planet-eating monster, by way of an even more startling revelation. It really was startling. Look how startled I am and you'll see what I mean. Go on, look. What do
you mean you can't see me? I'm here, aren't I?
(After a brief injection the author returned to abnormality.)
There was the sound of a million trumpets, which shook space for light-years around. (Although, of course, it still wouldn't have been loud enough to wake up Captain Disaster. If he was asleep, that is. Which he wasn't. So I don't know why I mentioned it really. Never mind.)
"Pardon me", said the embarrassed Planet-eating monster. (For the more dense among the readership, the Planet-eating monster has just burped.)
"Are you the Planet-eating monster?", asked Disaster to the monster who filled up the viewing screen even though he was some 400 Million Kilometres away, besides which he had a tee-shirt on which said 'The Planet-eating monster's world eating tour 2039”,
and a baseball cap (fashionably the wrong way round) which bore the legend planeteater@theendisnigh4u.burp.pardon.UK. Presumably he/it chose "UK" because, as we all know, the British are universally loved and admired by all. Of course.
"Yes, I am", said the monster, "what are you going to do about it?"
"Quick, think of something!", screamed Disaster at Zero-bit. He was screaming because he had just realised the immense stupidity of trying to fight something 896,245,671.4675 (approx.) times bigger than himself.
"Run for it?", suggested the computer sensibly.
"Where?"
"Anywhere!"
And so they ran. Or rather, sped away, in Disaster Area.
Quite what happened to the Planet-eater of Acturus is unsure. Many people say that he died of planet poisoning, but of course that was only the people (well I suppose you could call them people… almost) of Delta Pavonis that said that. And that was only because of a long-standing feud between the two systems, all about a canister of unused fish oil... but that isn't important right now.
Personally, I think that the monstrously monstrous monster munched momentuously, moreover making his way into the record books, only to be disappointed by the fact that he/it had only a very small speaking part in this story, the first of a series which is set to establish an all-time low in wit and ingenuity.
Still, you've got to start somewhere.
Captain Disaster, meanwhile, got a new set of wheels. His conversation with the claims department of "Don't Blame Us When It All Goes Pear-Shaped" went like this:
"I have a claim to make. For a new set of wheels."
"Okay. Who were the other party insured with?"
"Um, they weren't. Well I don't know. They might have been. They must have been, I suppose."
"Okay, I'm sure we can sort things out for you. Who were the other party?"
"Acturus-1 ground control."
"Do you have a number we can contact them on?"
"Well, you might find it a little tricky to contact them. You see, the whole planet's just been eaten."
"I see. So it's a cover-up on their part, basically."
"You could call it that."
"I think you should speak to our litigation department. Fraud is a very serious business, and by allowing themselves to be swallowed, the planet in question are basically accepting vicarious liability for any other crimes committed by whatever it
was that ate them. I think this could be the biggest court case since Ian Paisley vs Everyone Else. It's all very exciting. I'm sure you're glad you insured with DBUWIAGPS."
"So you're not going to pay for my new set of wheels?"
"No. Goodbye."
Funding the new undercarriage proved to be quite easy, however. CD just sang at a local pub, and was fair weighed under with the deluge of money that was poured into his lap on the condition that he stop torturing everyone.
The wheels were a nice design, sort of like pyramids. There were little holographs of dragons portrayed on the sides of them.
They really looked quite impressive.
And they even turned.
Occasionally.
Copyright 2003 David Seaman
Click here for Episode Two: A Beta Burger
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Read my review of
Red Dwarf Series 1-4
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This story can be downloaded for free as an audiobook in MP3 format from: http://www.darscom.net/free_mp3_audiobooks.html
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