Dear Sebastian: A Love Story
Feb 04 '03
The Bottom Line The mouth of the righteous brings forth wisdom, but a perverse tongue will be cut out.
Dear Sebastian:
I know that your departure is only temporary, and as such I feel confident that one day soon you will return. Because that is what temporary means. When you come back, you will find that the kitchen is cleaner, far cleaner, than the day you left. The sticky black spots on the floor (which turned out to be lemonade plus potting soil) are gone. So you see, dirtiness is not wired into my DNA! The counters are now free of dried coffee stains and piles of salt. I threw out the roach we trapped under the Euro Disney mug. (It was dessicated.) The stovetop has been scrubbed down, though there was a darkish scum I couldn’t completely remove from the back burners. I have bought some Glade Plug-Ins for the litter box area. I hauled the Christmas tree out to the alley and took several boxes of National Geographics to be recycled. I think you will really be impressed when you see the apartment, in a few days, or soon.
See you then,
Bronwyn
Dear Sebastian:
I have decided to forgive you for joining the cast of Puppetry of the Penis. In the whole scheme of things, this is not such a serious transgression as to prevent you from membership in my family. It will cause a rift, certainly, accompanied by horror, shame, and maybe shunning, followed by derision and elision of your name from all eulogies. But eventually my family will see, I am sure, that being a genital acrobat should not sentence one to a life apart, or to banishment from the human species. Besides, that job won’t last forever. Will it? I can’t imagine audiences will want to see men beyond a certain age manipulating their equipment, even though, from a practical standpoint, the droopiness, elongation, and loss of elasticity that comes with aging might actually make this type of artistry an easier proposition.
In the spirit of forgiveness,
Bronwyn
Dear Sebastian:
I have been giving it a lot of thought, and have decided that the $650 you owe for phone, utilities, groceries and those dental x-rays is not that big a deal. If I can sell another sculpture or two, I can cover it, no problem. What is important is getting your cavities filled. Have you had a chance to do that? If you call me tonight, or sometime this week, I can give you the name of the dentist I’ve been going to. He is great. Everyone should have Dr. Elkins as their dentist. Oops, I just gave you his name. Well, if you call me sometime this week, or this month, I’ll have his number handy. Let me just tell you when I won’t be home: the 4th, the 9th, the 17th, and the 28th between four and six. So if you want to get ahold of me, you should call between the 5th and the 8th, the 10th and the 16th, and 18th and the 27th, or on the 28th between 8 a.m. and 3 p.m. and again between 7 and 11 p.m. Actually I’m kind of a night person now. You can call up to 2 a.m. You will really thank me for referring you to Dr. Elkins. You will see what I mean when I say he is the Vivaldi of oral hygiene.
Don’t forget to call,
Bronwyn
Dear Sebastian:
Did you try to call me yesterday at around 5:17? If that was you, I was in the yard composting. Were you calling for Dr. Elkins’ number, or to apologize for taking the Salad Shooter? I heard that you were seeing Eva. I can’t imagine how a woman who doesn’t know the difference between its and it’s can make you happy, but maybe that’s just me. Don’t you remember how much you love my hands? You said they were so pretty I could be a hand model. Well, my hands are still the same. Not many women have hands like mine. You know, a lot of people underestimate the importance of grammar and slender, tapering fingers. People who have a solid command of grammar tend to get better stock market results and know more about wine than their peers. It’s hard to think of a better recipe for success than pretty hands and excellent grammar. You only have to look as far as Florence Henderson to see that.
Yours in the spirit of Christian agape,
Bronwyn
Dear Sebastian:
I didn’t want to be the person who had to tell you this, but Eva is known among the rest of the staff at the currency exchange for her raging herpes. Someday you will thank me for warning you about this. It may be the day when you are performing Puppetry of the Penis and you carefully twist your chancre-free cylinder into a giraffe, swan, beach umbrella, lonely goatherd, Vladimir Putin in a ten gallon hat, or Wallis Simpson in a Dior gown. Please do not return home if you have visible chancres. If you have no visible chancres, I will let you in but you will be quarantined until such time as I hear you renounce Eva and the voodoo spell she has put you under. Also, I hear that no amount of cologne is enough to mask her smell of walleye.
You’re welcome,
Bronwyn
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Epinions.com ID:
Lobstergirl
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Member: Distressa Bologna-Cohen
Location: The Northern District of Illinois
Reviews written: 102
Trusted by: 262 members
About Me:
Satan, oscillate my metallic sonatas.
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