Osamarama: A Perfect Syzygy ... For the Children
May 30 '02
The Bottom Line Think, and think hard, about the pattern of dimples you want to leave on international terrorists' heads.
So, okay, here’s the thing:
I’m really not that paranoid. I don’t lock the door when I leave to do my laundry. I leave my wallet and my watch on my desk at work, even when I leave to go to the bathroom. And I generally laugh at people who leave the little (c) on their epinions, to signify that they are copyrighted material.
I don’t worry about people stealing my ideas or my writing. They would be silly to do so. My ideas are retarded, and my writing’s a step down from there. So as I say, I’m not paranoid. I'm not even cautious.
By my friend matochak is. She’s got a lawyer for every transaction, a writing to commemorate every conversation, and an official taster for her food. But then, The Chak, she has good ideas, valuable intellectual property, and a healthy mind and body. So maybe she has reason to be cautious. And a few months ago, she convinced me that I too had some reason for concern, and ought to think about protecting the incredibly brilliant idea I’d developed. Maybe patent it. Lock it in a safe. Print it in small lettering on a republican ballot in the 29th district, where it’s unlikely to ever be seen by anyone. Something.
But then I realized, the idea was too brilliant to keep to myself. I had to get it out there, where it might be put to use. For the children.
And here it is: OSAMARAMA!
This is an idea for which there is a monumental need: All those kids and dogs that were orphaned by the events of September 11th are going to need money for their education, their up-keep, their medical bills, and a big fat red, white and blue SUV on their 16th birthdays. Somebody needs to start thinking about how we’re gonna take care of the little ‘uns in their impending time of need.
Well, I’ve done some of that thinking.
The idea came to me when I read about the old-school Roman style gamesmanship the Taliban was throwing into their executionatory dictates. For instance, when a group of six men in Kabul was accused (and therefore convicted) of buggery, the Taliban buried them up to their necks in the dirt, then brought a tractor in to push a wall – a wall! – across an empty courtyard and then dropped it on their heads. I mean, how do you even push a wall? Who knows, but the Taliban figured it out.
Those wacky Taliban, they’re always burying people up to their heads, or cutting off fingers because of the nail-polish, and pouring salt on snails and hanging rolls of toilet paper 3 inches too high for their kitty cats to reach and be mischievous with. It’s the Taliban way, and dag-nabbit, hats off to them for being so creative. And I thought maybe we should harness some of that creativity to raise a little money for the children.
Eventually, we all know, they’re gonna catch Osama bin Laden. And when we finally do catch that lovable ragamuffin, I say we turn him into a Teevee show, because there’s nothing more American than becoming a teevee show, and we all know how much Mr. bin Laden hates all things American.
And if there’s one thing that’s more American than teevee shows, it’s reality teevee shows. And if there’s one thing even more American than reality teevee shows, it’s golf, a sport that represents all the worst about American conspicuous consumption, particularly the consumption of time with pointless activities. So if we could just find a way to combine a little capitalism, a little reality teevee, a little golf, and a little good old-fashioned Taliban know-how, and utilize it in our dealings with King Quaeda, we’d have a real blockbuster on our hands. And it would have a nice sense of symmetry, too.
So here’s the basic plan.
1. Osama
2. Tied to a wall
3. So people can chuck golf balls at him.
That’s just the broad strokes, though. Because, like any good Taliban inspired activity, the game’s gotta be chock full of rules, and those rules gotta be chock full of potential to cause pain.
And of course, we gotta think of the children.
I’m thinking pay per view, maybe $9.95 a day, and the show runs every night for an extended prime time: 6:30 to 11:00 at night.
You figure ROOTS averaged somewhere in the neighborhood of 30,000,000 households a night, and every Superbowl does better than 40 Million. So lets assume, on the low end, 20,000,000 a night for the first week. That’s $1,393,000,000 for 1 week of programming. Assume that viewership drops by half in the ensuing weeks. That’s still nearly 700 million dollars a week in pay per view income alone. 3.5 billion dollars for a single month, for just the American teevee rights!
But wait, there’s more.
Advertising Dollars
Survivor averages 16 minutes and 15 seconds of commercials per hour. That’s about 73 minutes of time to sell each night, or about 150 30-second commercials. At $150,000 per commercial, that comes to another 22.5 million bucks a night, or 675 million for a month.
But wait, there’s even more. There’s really no reason, other than terrorist reprisals, why this here circus can’t be a traveling road show.
Venue Ticket Sales
While I believe Osamarama could easily fill up your standard football stadium, you don’t want to saturate markets with in-person views of the bad-guy, because that would limit the number of times people would be willing to pay the pay-per-view fees to see him on teevee. And remember, teevee is where the real money’s at.
So you figure, like WWF, you stick Osama in a different 18,000 seat arena every night in a different city. No doubt, you could sell those tickets for at least as much as your run of the mill Laker game, so we’re looking at another 2.7 million a night in ticket sales, plus at least another million in concessions. So there’s another $111,000,000 per month.
Roger Clemens for a Night
Nothing gets the fans excited like getting to partake of the festivities themselves. And of course, somebody’s got to be doing some of the ball-chucking at Osamarama. So the event itself will consist of one golf-ball, thrown every 90 seconds, from 60 feet away. And you and I, Joe Average, get to purchase the right to be chucking that ball at Osama’s head.
Think about it, 90 times a night, some shlub off the street gets to step up in front of 20,000,000 people and take their best shot at the most evil man in the world. What’s that worth? A hundred dollars? Five hundred dollars? Is there any doubt that in every city in this great nation of ours we will be able to dredge up at least 90 people for a one time chance at $3000 (one dollar for every soul lost in the World Trade Center) to toss a high hard one at bin Laden’s melon?
(But lets make it 85 people a night. Because one of the ways we bring people in to the stadiums is by giving one person a per hour, randomly selected by seat number, the chance to toss one for free. Plus, you’re gonna want to have at least one celebrity ball-chucker per night, say, Cher or Rudy Giuliani)
So 85 people for 30 days at $3000 per shot. That’s another seven and a half million for the month. Not too shabby, eh?
Product Placement
What do you suppose it would be worth to Wilson or Spaulding or Nike to have one of their golf balls be the official golf ball of Osamarama? Nike paid Tiger Woods something like $30,000,000 to wear their shoes just walking around before he had played a single round of professional golf. And pro golf gets a Nielsen Rating of, like, 3.2. You don’t think Titleist would be willing to drop at least that much for this? Of course they would.
So How Do You Choose a Golf Ball? Easy. You go with the ball made by the company willing to pay the most money to have its insignia repeatedly tattooed on Osama’s forehead every time someone throws a bean-ball.
But why stop there? I mean, it’s not like the Olympics just has one official product. Don’t you think Snickers would be willing to drop a mil or two to be the official snack food of Osamarama? Wouldn’t Coke and Pepsi be jumping all over themselves to outbid the other for the right to be the carbonated beverage that all patriotic Americans enjoy? Count one or the other of ‘em in for 10 million. Same goes for Burger King or MacDonalds – cause all that bloodthirsty cheering can really work up a hunger.
Band-Aid brand bandages! Come on. A little cgi commercial exploiting Osama’s likeness, singing with that irresistible Saudi accent, “I am stuck on Band-Aids ... OW! ... cause Band-Aids stuck on me ... OW! QUIT IT!”
Gotta be worth five million.
I could go on, obviously, but let’s be reasonable and count corporate America in for a quarter billion.
Invite Some Tweedy Brits
In everything we do in this new battle against terrorism, we always have to remember that those funny little people with the moist clothes and the bad teeth let us use their president in our time of need when our own president wasn’t up to the task. Even if they do call their president a prime minister. They are our allies and most staunch supporters, and we should really let them join in on the fun ... and stick it to the French while we’re at it.
That’s why I support a British national lottery (all proceeds to go to American orphans) whereby once a week, one of her majesty’s loyal subjects gets to cross the big pond for a one time shot at tossing a dart ... yes a dart ... at bin Laden, from, say, 120 feet. You would definitely see a spike in viewership on Dart Night, and it would help overseas pay-per-view sales. Figure British participation, lotto sales, and Dart Night Excitement could easily bring in another 100 million a month.
And then, like, every couple of weeks, we could casually mention the idea of inviting some French people to come kick a soccer ball at Osama or, like, make a rich creamy sauce for him or something. And when the British complain that such an invitation would make them feel less special, we could tell them that we’d be happy to hold up on the French thing, but we really need the extra 10 million a week we estimate it would bring in. No way the Brits don’t pony up the extra 10 large themselves just to keep the Frenchies out.
Conclusion
So what’s that, like 50 billion dollars, right? And we haven’t even talked about foreign rights, videotape rentals, “Best of Osamarama” compilations on DVD with behind the scenes interviews with the cinematographer, webcasts, sales of small viles of Osama blood, lunch boxes and action figures, or auctioning off his parts when that one fateful golf-ball or dart finally does young Osama in. It’s a goldmine. It’s Must See T.V. It’s water cooler stuff. It incorporates every possible synergy between television, sports, patriotism, advertising, anti-terrorism, celebrity, homeland security, and retirement planning. And it’s got the symmetry of having been inspired by the Taliban. It’s got syzygy.
Just remember that I came up with it. For the children.
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Mr.Eyore
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I come for the pervasive sense of elitist self-importance and semi-witty expressions of faux camaraderie
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